Where did you get a picture of my penis
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
