and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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