Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
