you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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