Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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