She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's blow job season.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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