It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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