Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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