we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
