I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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