porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
