I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
