I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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