Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
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Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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