i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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