Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
