well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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