i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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