in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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