I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
