If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
