Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
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I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
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Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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