So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
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I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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