Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
