how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
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being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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