I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
