Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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