I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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