I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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