He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
