Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
