question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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