I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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