i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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