now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
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knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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