I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
