I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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