my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
