He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
