"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
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I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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