I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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