Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The adults are the big ones right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
