you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
