he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
