you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
3pm strippers are depressing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
