I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
