If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
