I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
