Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
