So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
