I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
