i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
