he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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