I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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