so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
