I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
