So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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