in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
